Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
This is one of the most hilarious things I think I've ever read. I hope the readers of my blog get as much enjoyment out of it as I have. And, by the way, Have a Happy Period....Kablammy!!!
Because of that, I, along with Bryce and Kiana, have walked in parades in the rain, gone door-to-door talking with community members, passed out fliers, made T-shirts and buttons, made phone calls asking for people's support, and waved those signs. I have been thanked for what I was doing. I have been waved at and honked at as supporters saw what I was doing. On the other hand, and more so than the positive, I have been flipped off, told I was going to hell, and cursed at with the foulest of language. I have felt fully the hate and ugliness there is in the world and it broke my heart. But you know what? I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat because it was the right thing to do and because we were part of something huge and great. I told my kids that they may not fully understand now what we were fighting for, but someday when they are older, they will look back and say, "I was a part of something amazing!" This morning as I was driving to work at 7:00 a.m., right before the onramp to the freeway, I saw an old friend with her baby strapped to her back placing hundreds of "Yes on 8" signs down Lynn Road leading up to the freeway. I was moved to tears. I was reminded of all the hours, blood, sweat and tears we have given on behalf of this great cause. I don't know how it will all turn out---it is in God's hands now---but it was worth it! And I have gained a greater love and respect for my friends and neighbors, and I have gained a stronger testimony of God's love for us and when He asks us to do something, no matter how hard, we can do it with Him holding our hand. God bless us all, and God bless this great nation which we are all so fortunate to be a part of!!