Answered Prayers

I sent my big "baby" girls back to school this week. No matter how many times I do this, I always cry. Actually, I feel really bad because I didn't cry when I said goodbye to Kayla Thursday morning. I hope she doesn't think that I don't love her anymore, cuz I doooo, so much! It may be one of two possible reasons, or a combination of the two: her car completely died 2 days before she was supposed to drive back to school, so I went into panic/super focused mode trying to figure out how she was going to get back to Provo with not only her "stuff", but also most of Brianna's "stuff" that she was supposed to haul, and I was so relieved that we/she found a ride up; or the fact that it was 3:00 a.m. and my tear ducts were not completely awake yet. I think it was both and more of the latter.

However, when I took Brianna to the airport this past Tuesday, I cried like a baby when hugging her goodbye. She, on the other hand, shed narry a tear. Hmmmm... what does this mean? Anyway, I'm on the 118 driving back towards home, listening to the mixed CD that she compiled for me, when the song "In My Arms" by Plumb comes on. I've heard this song before and liked it, so that's why I requested it for my CD. I never really heard the words before. As I listened, I started to bawl. All the emotions from the past couple of weeks, and really the past several years with the struggles the kids and I have been through, came flooding to the surface. As a mother who loves her children sooo much, the words describe perfectly how we feel about our children and how we'll do anything to protect them. But the really beautiful part is that I felt the words of the chorus were an answer to a prayer I'd had for the past week: "What is the lesson I am supposed to learn from this latest setback?" I felt my Savior's love in the words of this song, and even as I type this now, the Spirit confirms to me again how much I am loved! So, here are the lyrics; tell me what you think!

"In My Arms" by Plumb

Your baby blues, so full of wonder

Your curly cues, your contagious smile

And as I watch, you start to grow up

All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains willl pour down

Waves will crash around

But you will be safe in my arms

Storybooks

Are full of fairy tales

Of kings and queens

And the bluest skies

My heart is torn just in knowing

You'll someday see

The truth from lies

When the clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash around

But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble

Dreams may not come true

You are never all alone

Cause I will always

Always love you

Clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash around

But you will be safe in my arms

In my arms

Beautiful!

Reflections

I don't know why I'm like this, maybe it comes with me getting older, but sometimes I look at things as the glass is half empty. Typically, I'm a fairly optimistic person. I make lemonade from lemons, put on a brave face, and plug along. I've always been a big bawl baby. I cry easily at the smallest, tenderest things. But I find myself getting misty a lot lately. This happens often as I'm driving alone in my car, listening to the radio, or just thinking about life. I was thinking the other day that this is really the last summer of "innocence" I have with Bryce. Next summer he will have graduated from middle school and will be heading off to high school. My baby...going to high school! I just can't wrap my head around that. He was just born. Now, it doesn't seem like yesterday, but it certainly couldn't have been 13 1/2 years ago!

Bryce has always been very special to me. I love my girls like crazy, but having a son, and having Bryce as a son, has been such a sweet experience. He came to me at a very dark time in my life. My marriage, by every definition, was really over, with the two of us living separate lives in the same house. I was looking forward to the future and hopefully a life away from here, on my own with my girls. And then I found out I was pregnant. Frankly, I was devastated because I knew that I'd have to stay. I went through the pregnancy on my own with no support from my husband. My friends, as always, were wonderful, though.

Now, all along, I was sure that I was having another girl. The pregnancy was the same as the previous 3 with the girls. On the day Bryce was born, my best friend, Cindi Wright, took me to the hospital. I called my husband and told him I was on the way to the hospital. Cindi stayed with me the whole time and was even in the delivery room. She was the first to see the baby and said, "It's a boy!" I was in disbelief. "What?!" Any woman who has given birth can testify what a spiritual experience it is. Giving birth to Bryce was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had. Years later, Cindi told me that after Bryce was born, she looked around the room because she was sure she would see angels. There was such a profound, spiritual presence. It's amazing to me that she felt it too.

I felt at the moment he was born that he was destined for something great. It could be as simple as being a strength and support for me, or something more like a bishop, stake president, etc. I remind him often that he's destined for goodness and he needs to always live up to that. He has not disappointed me so far and I don't think he will! Bryce has been such a kind and tender child. Other children as drawn to him because he is so likeable. He just has a good heart. He's wicked smart! He can do complex math problems in his head. He is so funny too. He makes me laugh daily. We have always had a wonderful, close relationship. I asked him recently, "I know you're already a teenager, but when you become a full-fledged teenager in high school, you're not going to be one of those boys who just grunts at his mother and hides out in his room are you?" He said, "If I'm not like that now, why would I be that way later?" I asked him if we could get that in writing! :) He will always be a blessing to me! He will be an amazing man, husband and father. Besides his natural goodness, his sisters and I are molding him to be the perfect man. :)

So, I guess the bottom line to all this rambling is that I feel so sad lately because I see time slipping by and I want to hold on to it and not let it go. When my children were all little and home with me those were the most precious times in my life. As each one grows up and leaves, it gets harder and harder. Poor Bryce won't have a chance. He'll go off to college or his mission with his pathetic mother hanging on to his ankle for dear life!